am i willing...?

i sat nearby pastor woogie at usc/ucla night. i saw him before and after preaching, praying hard. i could really tell that it was a hard message for him to preach. he seemed to have difficulty sharing parts of it, especially near the end. it wasnt that he lacked understanding, but rather it was the depth of it that seemed to be so burdensome. this is why i really respect pastor woogie. for being able to be so blunt and honest amidst difficult messages.

he talked about being willing to give up everything. not the simple "oh yah, i can give up anything because i love Jesus :D", but a more deep and genuine willingness to cast down oursleves and pick up our own cross. that true acknowledgment of God's grace and sacrifice. its hard to embrace the concept when generalized. so he went on, posing questions; are we willing to sacrifice our careers, disobey our parents, sacrifice our own children to follow God. i dont quite have kids yet, so i took those questions and made them as a little more personal. Am i willing to give up my wife? willing to sacrifice my friends? give up my future plans? all for Christ Jesus? to answer honestly, no. woggie gave that statistic, 80% of college ministry people leave church after graduating. and i feel like this is true because of the brutal stance of christianity. but then again, how can WE of all people call this brutal, if we are to truly and genuinely accept God's sacrifice as our only means of salvation. salvation shuld not and cannot be taken lightly. now this is not to say that if we are to believe in God, we must on the spot give up everything, but i see it as where the heart is.

its so easy to say that i want to be a good christian, but when words come to heart, it isnt quite that easy. i want to be genuine with my own faith. God has placed so many people in my life to reveal the importance of being humble and christ centered. the two come hand in hand, as neither can really exist alone. i pray that i take salvation seriously, and place God before anything else.

TREEHOUSE!

i have always wanted a treehouse. ever since the magic treehouse days. i think living in one would be ssooo legit. soo much fun. i feel as if i were deprived during my childhood. probably my dad's doing. he made me read all of the american boys adventure books and cmon, what sort of adventure would it be without a treehouse. hopefully i will be able to make one for my kid. i hope he is that awesome. lol.

ethics.

i just watched freakonomics. it honestly is so interesting and mind-blowing how different correlations and relationships are made through the analysis of numbers and data. statistics is very powerful stuff. in the film/book, they talk about a specific study done on the decline of crime rates during the 1980s. Many experts and analysts said it was due to innovative policing, harsher sentences, decline of crack, gun control, blah blah etc etc. they basically took everything relevant to the concept of crime and said that it was due to all these reasons that crime rates fell. it wuldnt take a genius to figure something out like that. Levitt, one of the authors dug a little deeper, and found a high correlation with the ruling on Roe v. Wade (abortion case). random huh. but he explained it and it made sense. since abortion was made legal, unwanted babies were aborted instead of concieved. looking at the data, unwanted babies more likely grew up to be criminals, so by making abortion legal, these criminals were never born, thus bringing down criminal rates. Such conclusion is further supported by looking at states where abortions were more accesible, and it was found that in these states, crime rates fell sooner and more rapidly.

this is where i began to think.... if abortion is proved to have lowered crime rates, why dont we (we as in society as a whole) support it more enthusiastically? this is where ethics come in to play. do we kill babies to prevent murders? or do we save babies, and sacrifice increasing crime rates? where do we draw the line? basically, whose life is worth more?

im a simple guy. i honestly dont have a firm stance big controversial issues such as abortion (homosexuality, i do, but thats a different story). i may want to sound smart and say something abortion and what my stance is on it, but honestly, i dont really have much to say about it. when i look at it from my christian perspective, i often find the concept of ethics to be wrong, as it based solely on what i think is right versus wrong. This takes God completely out of the picture, and puts me in his stead, making my own judgement calls. blasphemous. rather than ethical reasoning, i want to seek God first, and allow my thoughts and views be in tune with what God wants me to do.

however, the bible obviously doenst address issues such as abortion head on, so what do i do? what does God do?

a simple trip to the barber shop...

so i went to get a haircut today. got it short. today the shop was empty, jst me and the barber. iono, this trip was different from alot of other ones, and i jst started to reminisce. it got me thinking about how i have changed since i was a little toddler. lol... interesting thoughts...

so when i used to live in japan, i got my haircut from this japanese-american guy down the street on which i lived. i grew up with him and began to trust him. i walked by everyday to the busstop and waved hi to him. while getting haricuts, i remember asking him with genuine interest, "why did you want to be a hair cutter?" i dont remember his response but it was those genuine conversations that i had with him that made him so memorable. i genuinely wanted to get to know him for the sake of knowing him and learning about him.

i now look at myself, and how i have progressed as an individual, and i can barely call it progress. whether it be done consciously or not, i find that i push myself to get to know ppl for completely wrong reasons. i get to know them because they are popular. because they have what i want. they want what i have. if they dont have these things, i dont bother. its become so ungenuine and artificial, that quite frankly, ive perverted the whole idea of what it means to get to know someone, the whole concept of relationship. that what ive become, a young child with a pure and loving heart, with innocent motives, to a self driven and close minded college student. God calls us to show love both generously and genuinely. i dont want to limit my love to those who i benefit from, but really takes God's example and be bountiful with love. James 2 teaches us to not show favoritism:

"If you show special attention to the man wearing fine clothes and say, “Here’s a good seat for you,” but say to the poor man, “You stand there” or “Sit on the floor by my feet,” have you not discriminated among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts?"
James 2:3-4

its such a simple idea, but its so hard to follow, but who said following Jesus' path was easy. He so generously poured out his love to a gentile, for his love is colorblind and overflowing. i want to take this pure and genuine love, and apply it to how i treat others.

From Jaeson Ma's song "Love is selfless not selfish. Love is God and God is love. / Love is when you lay down your life for another / Whether for your brother, your mother, your father or your sister / Its even laying down your life for your enemies, / That's unthinkable, but think about that".

Dear God, your love is so bountiful. so overwhelming, so generous. yet here i am, standing selfishly and taking it all for myself. who am i to do that. i pray for a willing heart, to pour out a torrent of blind love to my community, to my peers and my enemies. i know it wont be easy, so please Lord, guide me in the right direction. i have been placed in my exact location because u have a specific job for me. In Jesus' name. Amen

visited this past summer. looks exactly the same from when i was a kid. lol.

blargh.

i havent felt very inspired this week to write much... lol. highlights included valentines day jajangmyun, and jamming. oh and did an awesome qt. its been a while, quite possibly my first legitimate quiet time. I read Phillipians 1-2 with my esv study bible, which was amazing. it was so refreshing being able to feed myself with spiritual food. haha. iono. this week has been very.... lame?

sweating and pushing myself in competitive sports makes me feel very useful and overall makes me happy. i enjoyed all my physical activities this week and i shall push myself more next week to do so.

goals for next week...
stsm apps
start for finals
finish up essays
play lots of guitar
legit qt (not the ones i do in bed half asleep)
physical activities. like tennis basketball volleyball.

i feel like i need to be more aggressive. not so much that i need to be more cut throat, but put more effort into getting things that i need. i become very lazy and complacent, that i often just sit there and let other ppl do the work first. i will try harder.

hmm... found out i was one of the weirder freshmen. das right :P represent. lol.

gnight.

helvetica

my english professor marked me down for using helvetica on my essay. i am deeply saddened. does she not know my love for helvetica. does she not know my hatred of times new roman. helvetica frees our creativity and lets us be daring with our words. times new roman binds us to our simple little essays, choking any sign of imagination. helvetica is my martin luther, my slumdog millionaire, and my friend. times new roman.... jst sucks. why cant we all just love helvetica. sigh. oh the mysteries of life.... lol :P

andy's toys.

so i watched toy story 3 tonight. lol. i have always enjoyed the toy story movies for one sole reason. the doodes name is andy. how amazing is that :D im not going to critique it because it made me happy and all warm inside. dont wanna overthink and turn it into a bad movie. i feel that i do that too much.... lol. anyway, it made me think about the toys in my past. i used to be the same way as toystory andy. my imagination and creativity ruled my world. knex and legos battles. plastic fight to the death with miraculous revivals. man... used to be soo much fun. kinda sad its all over now. the only thing that remains is my inner child, my inner imagination. i still think up some pretty bizarre things. lol. ahh the good times.

i dont remember ever being clingy to anything in particular, but only one toy has made it till now that i still acknowledge. Doby, my first beanie baby. i remember there was a time when beanie babies were HUGE. everyone got them and i thought they were so cool. he was my first. my uncle gave him to me and iono, i love dogs. probably the best toy i have ever gotten.

that is all. church tom. i always look forward to church now. ty.

for my future spouse.

lol. talking to apack today really got me thinking about my future wife. i really feel that God has someone perfect in store for me that will cherish me and help me to grow in God. my mom always tells me she is praying for my future wife, that wherever she is, she is growing up as a strong christian, and now i think i will join my mom in that prayer. lol. who knows what God has in store for us, but i will prepare my heart for whenever she will come. haha. iono sometimes i imagine waking up 30 years down the road and imagining the face that will greet me in the morning. she might be asleep, but i know she we will be beautiful. haha. doode iono why im in such a loveydovey mood right now.... lol. as her spouse, i must train myself starting from now, to love God wholeheartedly, so that i can share that love with my wife. lol.

so heres to my future wife. i dont know where u are, but i will be here working hard for you, so that i can support you and love you (i expect the same from you)



okok. im done now. time to go study.

late night posts.

fun post today :D found a new photographer i really like. he shoots in b&w and is very minimalistic. i really like minimalism. i guess i find beauty in simplicity. doing so much with so little. lol. iono. in this particular shoot, he takes pics of a bunch of jets and pilots. brings me back to my "top gun" days. i used to lloooveee that movie. i wanted to be a fighter pilot. but i heard u need perfect vision or something... lol. fail. visit his site








hmmm. guilty pleasure. heavy hip hop. lol. gets me pumped up.
listening to "Party and Bullsh*t" by Notorious BIG (ratatat remix). one of my favs. lol. shhhh :P

missions.

as the deadline approached, more and more people have been talking about stsm. it has made me think about my approach to it. hmmm. where is my heart genuinely at right now? i feel that im not treating it with the seriousness it deserves. my stupid little pride keeps telling me that "its just another mission trip", and i feel my heart is at the wrong place right now. i feel that i havent prayed enough. it doesnt come down to what i want to do, but really it comes down to what God wants me to do and whether i listen to him. so we shall see. keep me in prayers please. ty.

lol. this song has been so amazing recently. song from my childhood brings back so many church memories. and these girls are really pretty :P and super plus points for being able to sing REALLY well :D

self control.

i am having way too much fun. im not saying its a bad thing, but its something i definitely need to exert self control in. i find myself going overboard when i am having too much fun, and i end up forgetting about everything else. almost to the point that i can consider "fun" to be my idol as it often jumbles up my priorities. i end up dropping what i need to do and go look to having fun. this weekend was honestly not productive, even though i "studied" a lot. i guess it really shows how weak i am when i stand alone as a human and how much we need God. for this week, my prayer request is to really keep my priorities straight and keep me from straying. God sent me to UCLA for a reason. Let me fulfill his purpose.

midterm week. studious worship comes first. fellowship comes after. woot woot.

friendship.

i think im trying too hard to be friends with everyone. now im not saying this as an excuse to not be nice to people, but because i feel that i often change around different people. i was never a person who sought many friends, but more a person who found comfort in a few close ones. i feel that i have started to look for more friends over a few really close ones. i dont wanna fake who i am in front of ppl, and i really appreciate those who really accept me for my weirdness and uniqueness. I feel like God has placed specific people recently into my life so that i can really get to know them beyond physical or the emotional, but to really get to know them spiritually. to have friends who keep me spiritually accountable. those are the people i feel very comfortable around and i can speak my mind freely and unfiltered to. i genuinely want to get to know them as they genuinely want to get to know me. God didnt send me here to please men, but to please him. i thank God for you ppl everyday. sarang.

guitar.

so i bought my guitar this week. the guy who sold it to me left with these words "now you have to name her." lol. and from then on, i went on to think of a name for her. it started off with me asking some friends what they recommended but it didnt really come out to be fruitful. i began asking myself questions for inspiration. and that really got me thinking. Why did i buy my guitar? Why did i get now? who do i want to play for? who has inspired me the most to worship God? who most shamelessly worships God? who do i want to worship like?

:D

meet my guitar. Her name is Grace.